This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
