My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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