On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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