she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
