she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize