i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
