it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
