your parents love me but you hate me
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
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