dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
