i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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