shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
