The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Randomize
