Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
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