I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
