wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
