I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
