The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
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