I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
