Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
