Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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