I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
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