I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
