He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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