I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize