so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
