So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
