dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
