im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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