Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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