Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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