Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I'm passing your future prison.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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