be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
