My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
