my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
