i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize