My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
