yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize