The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
