I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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