I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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