my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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