i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
