Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
