I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Sorry about my life...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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