My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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