I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
