Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
