I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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