dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
