No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
