mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
