its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just want nice things and good sex
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
