we have pet lesbian snakes
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize