Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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