did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
