You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
