Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
