I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
